Monday, December 27, 2010

Its time for a new year.

Heres to 2010.
It was shit.
We made mistakes.
People we once knew turned into people we have to forget.
We cried.
We failed at things
We complained because we didnt get what we wanted.
Had broken hearts.
We searched for love and happiness and didnt succeed.
We got too drunk only because we wanted to be happy.

Heres to 2011.
It will be shit but we will turn it into something great.
We will cry only because we have found someone so perfect we wont let go of.
We will fail but only by learning where we went wrong.
Complaining will stop once we think of how lucky we actually are with what we have.
We will lose people but will make amazing friends along the way.
We may not find love immediately but once we are truely happy we wont have anything to search for.
We will be drunk but only because lifes a party and we are living in it.

So drink up.
Smile and laugh.
And remember lifes a rollercoaster and all you can do is sit there and enjoy the ride.

Nothing in life is easy. Absolutely nothing.

You only have three choices in life ...
Give up
Give in
Or give it all you got.


I cant go through this any longer.

Fuck this shit.
I just want everything to be better.
I hate not being able to feel anything.
I love you, i really do. I cant lose you not now.

Thankyou santa

I adore christmas. I loved being with all my family drinking, eating, loving an sharing.
I wish you were there to spend it with me.
Maybe one day you will be.

I hope everybody enjoyed that special day that only comes once a year!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Its the best time of year.


After everything, im gonna keep my head up at smile.

Not because i want to, but because its christmas.

Everybody knows that christmas is about love, sharing and caring.

You know what,
 I have my love. I share my love. I care for my love.

Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Why me?

You dropped me off at home after a great weekend together. We kissed, i told you i love you and you said it back. As i walked home i wore the biggest smile.

After what we have been through, losing everything within seconds has come back to haunt me.

If you think about it childhood was a lie...

We were forced to rip our teeth out because the toothfairy would bring us money.
We would eat chocolate until we were sick because the easter bunny gave them to us.
We were excited to go to school because mummy and daddy told us it will be the best years of our lives.
We couldnt sleep at night because we were told there were monsters under our bed.
We made our parents poor because santa claus had elves to make our toys.
We wouldnt cry when a family member had died because they had only gone on holiday.
We would love to watch fairytale movies because mummy told us that one day we will find our prince.
We would open our heart up to everybody because that was the right thing to do.
We couldnt wait to live until 100 because we were told the only way to die is of old age.
We woke up smiling everyday because there was that one saying "and they all lived happily ever after."

The day im proved wrong, will be the day ill re-live my childhood.


Monday, December 20, 2010

Its the week of christmas, and its the worst.

Honestly? your asking how im feeling?
To be honest, i feel lower than the ground and earth itself.
I have that feeling when you just come out of surgery and it feels lie you have been hit by a truck and everything in your body hurts.
I feel like my boyfriend has been killed in a major accident and i will never be able to get him back.
I feel like everything that i have tried and lied for to get, has been ripped right out of my hands within seconds.

All i have wanted for the past 6 hours was somebody to wipe my tears for me. To tell me it will be ok. To understand how much i love him and need him in my life. To let me see him and stay with him whenever i wanted. To have a shoulder and some arms to fall into, just so i can feel that little bit better. To truely listen to what i have to say and take it into consideration. To have them want me to be happy and to have him by my side. I want to know what a happy ending feels like...

Maybe you should look behind the fake smile, and happy voice and see how im really coping with this. Then maybe i wont do what makes you so dissapointed.

I love you

im gonna fight for you.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Everything and anything for you.

I breathe because of you.
I dance because of you.
I eat because of you.
I dress because of you.
I put on make up because of you.
I make time because of you.
I try and be perfect because of you.
I smile because of you.
I laugh because of you.
I lie to my parents because of you.
I cry because because of you.
I run because of you.
I lose sleep because of you.
I have changed because of you.

I love you not because of you.
But because of what we have been through.
How long we have been together.
How you complete me.
And how i cant live without you.

I wonder...

I wonder what it would be like to be in love, to want to live only because of one person.

To fight every single day with your family just to be with that person.
To break all the rules, to be grounded everything taken off you and still see them even though you have nothing left.
To drop all your plans at the drop of a hat just to see that person.

To lose that person then try and make his life hell, just to make him feel what he put you through.
To go through everyday depressed and lonely wishing you had him back with you.
To pretend your fine without that person and not take him back just to show him how much stronger you are, when really you would be dying inside.
To drink alcohol because thats your only option of forgetting your problems and sorrows.
To date other guys and not have any feelings for them at all because your heart still belongs with that person.
To promise yourself to never be back with that person because you went through so much.

To be with that person again and those girls he used to be with and have to pretend your ok.
To have that one guy back in your life again and feel so complete and happier than ever.
To cry yourself to sleep knowing how much it hurt when you didnt have them.

To have to lie 24-7 just for that person when at any moment their parents could find out but your willing to risk it.
To love them with everything you have, more than you can explain.

To have everything going so well until you start fighting again and having the same problems you did in the first place and feel yourself getting pushed away.
To feel right back at square one all over again after everything you went through with them.

To still be willing to fight for them, smile for them and love them just for who they are no matter what you are going through.

Do you ever wonder how that would feel?
Cos i do.

I love you so god damn much.

It sucks when im alone, all i think about is what happened between us.
If only you knew how it felt to be around those people all the time who you used to have feelings for, and you can just brush it off your shoulder and think im ok.
When in reality my eyes are burning - wanting tears to flow out.
Its heart breaking to see those girls look at us sadly as we are happy, because i know exactly how they feel.
To be replaced.
To feel worthless.
Down to the point where you feel like your not good enough for anybody and you have no purpose on earth.

Why pretend that your ok? 
Pretending is fake, its not you its not anyone - its nothing.
To pretend shows your not strong, your weak with the problem you have and you need something or someone to take it away from you.
Why everybody does it?
 Because its how we get through life everyday, its what we do.
I wish it wasnt.

Im in love with you.
Your in love with me.
Your in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my soul.

Love has ups and downs, your either really happy or really sad.
Your either having a great night, or your staring at that other girl realising he had her once too.
Driving out to have an amazing time, or driving home sad because you miss them.
Laughing at pathetic drama stories people have to go through, or having worse issues you cant forget.
Crying with laughter and happiness, or crying with sadness till you cant breathe, stand, think or heal yourself.

But all of these are just little things that i can get over quite easily, because all this heartbreak has made me so much stronger than before...

Im pretending.

Girls are much more than what they seem.

They're more than just the makeup, the clothes, the shoes, the bags, the sunglasses, the outside.
They're more than just whiny bitches.
We're so much more.
Too bad some boys can't understand.
A girl's life is a bitch itself.
On a daily basis we deal with bitches, backstabbers, lies, boyfriends, crushes, exes, appearance, insecurity, bullying and so much more.
Everyday we wake up, we have to shower, fix our hair.
Then, we have to get dressed.
We spend hours infront of our mirror for you making sure we look good.
Then we have to apply make up.
While doing all this, there's so much to consider.
Especially gossipers and guys.
If something's too short, they'll call us a whore.
If something's too long, they'll call us ugly.

We go through buckets full of ice cream because we've had way too many broken hearts.
We cry because bitches wanna hate and boyfriends wanna bitch.
We can't complain because we don't wanna be annoying.
We trust people, then they end up stabbing us in the back.
We learn stuff the hard way.

Every guy out there making a period joke, like are you for real? No, just because you're being a little bitch and pissing me off doesn't mean I’m on my period.
Get over it.
We get hurt multiple times, and keep running back to the same people.
We love hard, and hurt hard.
We care too much.
We’re never understood.
We go through so much trouble when you don't even notice.
We listen to songs till five in the morning and fall asleep to it just because it reminds us of you.

We try so hard to impress you, while dealing with all that's said about us.
After everything, we sit our asses down on tumblr and reblog everything that reminds us of you. We spill our guts out to our best friends who've probably had enough of you.
We go on facebook and we check your profile a million times, and go through all your pictures, even if we have seen them all before.

We hear what people say about us, and sometimes we break inside.
But no matter what, even after everything, we have to come out strong.
We have to put a big smile on our faces and pretend like everything's ok.
We have to act nice towards the haters, even knowing everything that they said about us.

We love even though we know we shouldn't.
And we wait for something that'll never happen.

But no matter what, we manage to act like everything's fine, even though everything's falling apart.. but sometimes we just cant do that and its time to let go.  

That’s a day in a girl's life.
Imagine dealing with all that everyday.
We’re so much more than what you think, so much more than what we seem.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You take me higher than i have ever been before, please dont let me fall.

We have been fighting alot lately because things arent easy, i wish i was aloud to see you but i cant.
That moment the other day when we were driving home, i knew you werent feeling happy, you just went quiet and i could tell you were hurting, i could see it in your eyes, i thought you were going to leave me.

When you told me you couldnt handle it any more i ran out of my room straight for the shower. I couldnt breathe and i couldnt believe it. I colapsed with emotion i just wanted to scream, it hurts so much because nobody was there to tell me it was going to be ok, you werent there.
I was hoping to god you would realise that you made a mistake, and you did and im so glad you decided that you want to fight for me.

I hope you know that i fight for you every single day, i wish i could have you over whenever i wanted but i cant. You may think that i dont even care im not aloud to be with you, but trust me it makes me crumble inside each time im reminded of it. It makes everything so much harder than what it already is and its not fair on either of us.

I know i love you and i know you love me, but im so unbelievably scared that you will give up on me. Everything happens for a reason, everything has already happened to us so what now? I cant lose you not again, i cant physically and emotionally go through that again. If i could get on my hands and knees and beg to you pathetically i would, but if you would ever want to leave me and i have no chance in fighting then i would have to let you go.

Fate brought us together.
Fate is tearing us apart.
Im going to fight through whatever fate is.
Im going to fight for you.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Im in love with you.

I cried this morning, do you know why? cos i realised how much it hurt when we werent together.

I never ever want to feel that feeling again.

Just another weekend with the love of my life.

I had the best weekend with you. We spent all day together and all night. We were drinking and partying, i was showing you off and i was so proud to be your girlfriend again.

I know you thought i was drunk and emotional, but seeing that girl you used to be with just slammed my heart into the earth.
I hate her guts i wanted to smack her face in but i didnt, she backed away from me and didnt want any trouble. You know what, i appreciate that, i hate her with everything i have but i decided not to be angry, i didnt want to ruin your night so i just talked to her and told her how i felt.
I did the mature thing and that made me feel good, even though i cried in your arms for ages afterwards.

The only thing that hurt is that she is everything im not and that sucks. Shes pretty, thin, tall, nice, and her parents let you stay the night. Everytime i see her i just get the worst feeling and i wish you knew how it felt. I had to get over her because now you are back in my life for good, i will see her around more often.

I woke up in the morning hungover as hell to see my baby staring into my eyes smiling at me. I love waking up in your arms it feels perfect. And to make that even better you cooked me the biggest nicest breakfast! Not many boys go to all that effort but you do. You make me feel like a queen and you always spoil me. I love everything about you. You have no idea. Even the little things like running your fingers through my hair and just staring at me. Even though i dont know what your thinking it still makes me feel on top of the world, just holding the gaze of my love.

All day and night with you.
Just staring at you when your driving.
Listening to you talking.
Laughing cause you make me happy.
Holding your hand.
Getting drunk with you.
Getting forehead kisses.
Eating with you.
Kissing you.
Talking with you. 
Falling into your warm body.
Showering with you.
Laughing at our memories.
Having you spoil me.
Waking up in your arms.
Playing with your hair.
Massaging your back.
Telling you i love you. Hearing you say it back.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Drama hurts.

The fireworks were incredible, just standing with my girls looking up i was having such a nice time. Then to make the night better we went to our mates party, just singing at the top of our lungs, dancing and stumbling  everywhere created so much laughter and was so much fun.

But why is it that there is always somehting to ruin your night?

As soon as you rung me telling me some other guy had stirred shit i was at breaking point, i hate this guy hes the biggest liar on earth, it made me feel awful because i knew you would believe it because it was you against the world.

I just wish you saw how i reacted, as soon as you spoke his name it meant trouble. I cried my eyes out, ran
through my mates party and punched the life out of that boxing bag.

I could not lose you, especially not like this.

I love you so much, i spent all night fighting for your love making sure you werent going to leave. I hate how people stir drama when it isnt true, because no matter what you do you have to make them erase it from their mind when everybody allready knows and believes it.

Unfortunately it all comes down to trust, and if there isnt any trust there isnt any love.

Im glad you didnt take what he said into consideration, and im so thankful you realised and used that trust you have in me. I would be nowhere without you and i cant let you go, especially when its somebody elses fault.

No matter what i am going to fight for our love.
Thats just the way it is.
Thats just the way it will always be.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

No matter what you say i will always love you. No matter what you do i will always love you. No matter what ever happens to us i will always love you.

What is love?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, and is your voice caught within your chest? - it isnt love, its like.
You cant keep your hands or eyes off of them am i right? - it isnt love, its lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off? - it isnt love, its pride.
Do you want them because you know theyre there? - it isnt love, its lonliness.
Are you there because its what everyone wants? - it isnt love its loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand? - it isnt love, its low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you dont want to hurt them? - it isnt love, its pity.
Do you belong to them bacause their sight makes you skip a heart beat? - it isnt love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their mistakes because you care about them? - it isnt love, its friendship.
Do you tell them everyday that they are the only one that you think of? - it isnt love, its a lie.
Are you willing togive all of your favorite things for their sake? - it isnt love, its charity.
Does your heart ache and break when theyre sad?- then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when theyre strong? - then its love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply that it hurts? - then its love.
Do you stay because a blinding incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there? - then its love.
Do you accept theyre faults because its a part of who they are? - then its love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? - then its love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death.
Think about it for a second...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Boy dont you know you cant escape me, darlin' cos you will always be my baby.

My Boyfriend...

Its official. We are together again and its so perfect.

I love you and i dont care what anybody else thinks! If they were true mates they would want me to be happy and all theyre doing is trying to ruin my happiness.

But fuck the haters cos im in love. Always have been with you.

I love callin you my boyfriend now, and who thought that after 14 months of us being together then 5 months of a rocky break up we would be back together? well to be honest, i hoped we would always be back like we used to be. Now we are i couldnt be any happier.

They say there's plenty more fish in the sea? well they are wrong because to find the perfect guy instantly and all the rest to be horrible, theyre aint no more fish! 
Hes my only fish. and i dont want him to ever swim away :)

Braden Riordean Cargill
Im in love with you.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Its happening again.
I promised my heart.
I promised my mind.
I promised my family.
I even promised  my body that this would not happen again, especially with the same boy.
Well it has.
It may be wrong but it feels so right. 

You make me want to not give a fuck about anybody else just you. I always drop anything to see you and im happy doing that. No matter how many times ive been with you i cant wait till i can see that gorgeous smile each time i have to go.

What happened to us is now in the past and it feels as if it never happened.
Nobody understands what we have between each other they just think that we like each other, and thats it. What a big underestimate because what im feeling right now i know people write novels about, swim the ocean for, search the world for, see movies about, and dream they could feel.

I see you and i want to leap into your arms.
I could sit there with you for hours in silence just staring at you and have the best time of my life.
You grab my hand and i dont want you to untwine your fingers. 
When you say those 3 words i say them back, not because you said it first but because i never want you to forget.
When im laying next to you kissing at you while you run your hands over my body i just dont want you to stop.
Just seeing you for 5 minutes makes my whole day even week.
You are my world.

You smile i smile back while admiring yours.
You laugh i contiinue to laugh and realise how happy you make me.
You hold my hand i hold yours and dont want to let go.
You squeeze me tight i squeeze back shut my eyes and dont want to let go.
You drop your plans for me i already make plans with you when you dont know.
You kiss me i continue to kiss you and feel every feeling in my body.
You miss me i miss you while your on my mind every second of the day.
You call me to say goodnight i call back just to hear you say you love me one more time.
You have an amazing dream about me and i dream of you every night.
You say im all you live for when i live for you and would die for you, aslong as i got to be with you for those last moments and hear you say "Jess i love you too" just that one last time.