We have been fighting alot lately because things arent easy, i wish i was aloud to see you but i cant.
That moment the other day when we were driving home, i knew you werent feeling happy, you just went quiet and i could tell you were hurting, i could see it in your eyes, i thought you were going to leave me.
When you told me you couldnt handle it any more i ran out of my room straight for the shower. I couldnt breathe and i couldnt believe it. I colapsed with emotion i just wanted to scream, it hurts so much because nobody was there to tell me it was going to be ok, you werent there.
I was hoping to god you would realise that you made a mistake, and you did and im so glad you decided that you want to fight for me.
I hope you know that i fight for you every single day, i wish i could have you over whenever i wanted but i cant. You may think that i dont even care im not aloud to be with you, but trust me it makes me crumble inside each time im reminded of it. It makes everything so much harder than what it already is and its not fair on either of us.
I know i love you and i know you love me, but im so unbelievably scared that you will give up on me. Everything happens for a reason, everything has already happened to us so what now? I cant lose you not again, i cant physically and emotionally go through that again. If i could get on my hands and knees and beg to you pathetically i would, but if you would ever want to leave me and i have no chance in fighting then i would have to let you go.
Fate brought us together.
Fate is tearing us apart.
Im going to fight through whatever fate is.
Im going to fight for you.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
I had the best weekend with you. We spent all day together and all night. We were drinking and partying, i was showing you off and i was so proud to be your girlfriend again.
I know you thought i was drunk and emotional, but seeing that girl you used to be with just slammed my heart into the earth.
I hate her guts i wanted to smack her face in but i didnt, she backed away from me and didnt want any trouble. You know what, i appreciate that, i hate her with everything i have but i decided not to be angry, i didnt want to ruin your night so i just talked to her and told her how i felt.
I did the mature thing and that made me feel good, even though i cried in your arms for ages afterwards.
The only thing that hurt is that she is everything im not and that sucks. Shes pretty, thin, tall, nice, and her parents let you stay the night. Everytime i see her i just get the worst feeling and i wish you knew how it felt. I had to get over her because now you are back in my life for good, i will see her around more often.
I woke up in the morning hungover as hell to see my baby staring into my eyes smiling at me. I love waking up in your arms it feels perfect. And to make that even better you cooked me the biggest nicest breakfast! Not many boys go to all that effort but you do. You make me feel like a queen and you always spoil me. I love everything about you. You have no idea. Even the little things like running your fingers through my hair and just staring at me. Even though i dont know what your thinking it still makes me feel on top of the world, just holding the gaze of my love.
All day and night with you.
Just staring at you when your driving.
Listening to you talking.
Laughing cause you make me happy.
Holding your hand.
Getting drunk with you.
Getting forehead kisses.
Eating with you.
Talking with you.
Falling into your warm body.
Showering with you.
Laughing at our memories.
Having you spoil me.
Waking up in your arms.
Playing with your hair.
Massaging your back.
Telling you i love you. Hearing you say it back.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
No matter what you say i will always love you. No matter what you do i will always love you. No matter what ever happens to us i will always love you.
What is love?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, and is your voice caught within your chest? - it isnt love, its like.
You cant keep your hands or eyes off of them am i right? - it isnt love, its lust.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off? - it isnt love, its pride.
Do you want them because you know theyre there? - it isnt love, its lonliness.
Are you there because its what everyone wants? - it isnt love its loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand? - it isnt love, its low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you dont want to hurt them? - it isnt love, its pity.
Do you belong to them bacause their sight makes you skip a heart beat? - it isnt love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their mistakes because you care about them? - it isnt love, its friendship.
Do you tell them everyday that they are the only one that you think of? - it isnt love, its a lie.
Are you willing togive all of your favorite things for their sake? - it isnt love, its charity.
Does your heart ache and break when theyre sad?- then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when theyre strong? - then its love.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply that it hurts? - then its love.
Do you stay because a blinding incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there? - then its love.
Do you accept theyre faults because its a part of who they are? - then its love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? - then its love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death.
Think about it for a second...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Its official. We are together again and its so perfect.
I love you and i dont care what anybody else thinks! If they were true mates they would want me to be happy and all theyre doing is trying to ruin my happiness.
But fuck the haters cos im in love. Always have been with you.
I love callin you my boyfriend now, and who thought that after 14 months of us being together then 5 months of a rocky break up we would be back together? well to be honest, i hoped we would always be back like we used to be. Now we are i couldnt be any happier.
They say there's plenty more fish in the sea? well they are wrong because to find the perfect guy instantly and all the rest to be horrible, theyre aint no more fish!
Hes my only fish. and i dont want him to ever swim away :)
Braden Riordean Cargill
Im in love with you.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I promised my heart.
I promised my mind.
I promised my family.
I even promised my body that this would not happen again, especially with the same boy.
Well it has.
It may be wrong but it feels so right.
You make me want to not give a fuck about anybody else just you. I always drop anything to see you and im happy doing that. No matter how many times ive been with you i cant wait till i can see that gorgeous smile each time i have to go.
What happened to us is now in the past and it feels as if it never happened.
Nobody understands what we have between each other they just think that we like each other, and thats it. What a big underestimate because what im feeling right now i know people write novels about, swim the ocean for, search the world for, see movies about, and dream they could feel.
I see you and i want to leap into your arms.
I could sit there with you for hours in silence just staring at you and have the best time of my life.
You grab my hand and i dont want you to untwine your fingers.
When you say those 3 words i say them back, not because you said it first but because i never want you to forget.
When im laying next to you kissing at you while you run your hands over my body i just dont want you to stop.
Just seeing you for 5 minutes makes my whole day even week.
You are my world.
You smile i smile back while admiring yours.
You laugh i contiinue to laugh and realise how happy you make me.
You hold my hand i hold yours and dont want to let go.
You squeeze me tight i squeeze back shut my eyes and dont want to let go.
You drop your plans for me i already make plans with you when you dont know.
You kiss me i continue to kiss you and feel every feeling in my body.
You miss me i miss you while your on my mind every second of the day.
You call me to say goodnight i call back just to hear you say you love me one more time.
You have an amazing dream about me and i dream of you every night.
You say im all you live for when i live for you and would die for you, aslong as i got to be with you for those last moments and hear you say "Jess i love you too" just that one last time.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Skin to skin.
Our smiles, our laughs.
Hand in hand.
Our eyes never parted.
The body heat.
We sang our hearts out.
Partied till the sun rose.
Eventually we slept.
Your body next to mine.
The soothing kisses and breath on my neck.
I woke up to that same look in your eyes, and those same words that left your lips "baby i love you."
Those words you said, those things you did, that pain you made me feel, i hated you for. You not only broke my heart, but you ripped it out of my chest and plunged it back into my stomach.
I hated the way you broke my heart, i hated everything about you. Everytime i heard your name i would shudder at the thought of ever thinking i was in love with you. Everytime i would look back on our photos together i would get a gut sick feeling and just feel lower than ever. I promised myself i would never ever take you back, i hated who you were.But when i thought about it i realised i was just saying and thinking those things because i wanted you back so bad, i am so in love with you that i made myself think i hated you when i didnt.
I jumped to other guys to see if i could get over you, to see if they had any aspect that you never had but i was wrong.
I still remember the day when you said "Jess you will never find another guy that loves and cares for you as much as i do."
I will never forget that, you were so right.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Do you know how it feels to have your heart torn apart, ripped from your chest and thrown into the bottom of the ocean over and over just by that one person?
I promised myself to never be you girlfriend again and im going to stick to it.
The hardest thing to ever do is to sit next to the person your head over heels in love with and know you cant have them.
But you are the one that brings warmth to my heart.
Ive realised wy i havent been as happy as i used to be for these past six months its because i lost you.
Now i have you back in my life i couldnt be any happier.